9.9.05

Aaaargh....

I never thought of myself as a smart person. But I never thought that I was this stupid either. Did I really think that my luck was going to change for the better after years of being shown otherwise?

"What the heck happened to this lunatic?" you ask... well...

I just found "someone's" profile on Friendster and although I didn't see much I saw the most dreadful words that you could ever see on the profile of the person you happen to like. Three little words have managed to send the sky crashing down on me, knock me off my feet and hit me at the back of the head for good measure(just to make sure I realize how much of an idiot I've been). What were these awful words? It’s... (Better brace yourselves)...here it is: "IN A RELATIONSHIP". Three God forsaken words that don't even form a complete sentence. Darn it!!!

I know I am being melodramatic. I know I'm not at all entitled to feel this way since I don't really have anything invested in it. So what if she is in a relationship? To say that I barely know her would be a huge overstatement because I DON'T KNOW HER AT ALL. I always assumed that there was somebody else and like I said before; even if there wasn't; I could always produce scientific proof that there was no way that I could stand a chance even if hell froze over. So... why then do I feel like a train just ran over me? Did I really think that I was finally going to get the benefit of divine intervention with this one? Was I really ready to change my mind? Am I supposed to do something about this or should I just take this as the very obvious sign that it is and just forget about it? I honestly don't know.

All I know is that the mere thought of being able to chat with her for a couple of minutes every now and then has managed to keep a smile welded on my face for weeks, has made me look forward to weekdays instead of weekends and has made me want to try to be the best when being good enough would've done just fine. All in all she (it's such a cliché I know! sorrrry!!!) has brought out the best in me. But I guess making me write a few corny lines is just about as far as this insanity can go.

A lot of people tell me "If you like her that much, then why are you just going to give up? DO SOMETHING! ANYTHING!!!” Well I did, I actually prayed and asked for a sign and guess what? It worked. Though it wasn't exactly the sign that I was hoping for to but I got one nonetheless, hehe. See, I'm not at all religious but I believe that whatever higher power exists out there understands the inner workings of my being enough to realize that somebody being "in a relationship" would never motivate me to take a risk and try something. But this doesn't mean that I like her less. I just prefer keeping my pain for myself. hehe. Drama no?

posted by jeanne @ 12:40

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