10.10.05

Malandi (Flirt) Daw Ako

There are a lot of words that I can think of that people can use to describe me. It's just that I never thought that the word "malandi" could ever apply to me but lately I would have to agree. Normally I wouldn't care what people think. I would just do as I please. It just ticks me off because I'd already said that I don't want anything to do with girls ever again. Of course this doesn't mean that I've finally been "converted". I just don't want to have to go through anything that has something to do with having a relationship. May it be with women and of course especially not with men. It's just that lately, I've been hearing a lot of "I told you that you couldn't do it" and "eh ano ka ngayon? ayaw na pala ha." and all of that good stuff. So, this got me to thinking: Have I finally uttered a very solemn promise that I couldn't live up to?

You see when I was in high school; whenever I told people that I think I'm not exactly straight or that I'm just not interested in men they would always tell me that it's just a phase, that I will eventually grow out of it and that the minute that I step in college that I would get a boyfriend and that I might even get pregnant before I graduate. I would tell these non-believers that they were so wrong, that I am not like everybody else and guess what? I was right. hehe. I was in UST for 5 years... never had a boyfriend...never wished for a guy to be my boyfriend (even though I did see some that made me raise an eyebrow a little bit when they were around)... kissed 1 boy... but all that did was pretty much convince me that I am not nor will I ever be interested in boys... ever...

Disclaimer: I am not saying that he was a bad kisser. I really wouldn't have known anyway since I had nobody to compare him to but here's the thing... he was cute... he was going to be a doctor... and I must admit I was a little bit attracted to him but... but I should've at least required a couple of beers to get over the fact that he could never be MINE [coz I think he was making "ligaw" another girl at the time (this isn't me being all collehiyala ek...ek... its just that 4 years ago, here in the Philippines, the term dating wouldn't apply until you are actually boyfriend-girlfriend. The guy makes ligaw (or courts) first and they just start dating when the girl quits making "pakipot"(playing hard to get)] but no... I was over it before the 15-second kiss (French kiss to be more specific :p) was through.

Anyway, I've never known myself to say something like "I swear, I don't want this or I don't want that" and end up doing something that goes against what I said. I've never even had to have to do anything about not doing what I said I wouldn't do (HUH...). It'll just end up being that way. Like back in college I never had to consciously stop myself from falling in love (pweh...) with some guy. But why is this happening to me now? How come I like "them" and my friends are suddenly telling me that I'm "malandi"? Has the routinary work that I've been stuck doing for the last 2 years taken its toll and has caused my cerebrum to atrophy thereby affecting my almost psychokinetic powers to stop myself from feeling things that I said I wouldn't feel? Have I've become a freakin' scatterbrain?

This has gotten me so worried that I have started reading again. I even put myself through a 4-hour solo marathon study session at Starbucks when I could just as easily have not gone to school and took the test with people who were going to take a make-up test 4 days later just so I could give my brain some exercise. Problem was I was so freakin distracted by thoughts of "them" that I think I didn't do too well in that stupid test. Now I wish I just took the make-up test instead. Shit... I really have become a scatterbrain.

Now, I have 48 hours of rest in my hands since I don't have to go back to work and school until Tuesday. So I've been trying to analyze what the heck is going on with me and I have come up with a conclusion that can save me from having to put myself through my own very brutal but very effective brand of aversion therapy. I am not going back on my word. Someone out there has designed it so that I can live up to what I said but still have a little fun. hehe. I do like "them" a lot but it's very clear that I can't have them so I don't have to worry. Two of them are in gazillion-year relationships with their respective significant others and the other one is definitely straight. I know that that I've always said that there is no such thing as a straight person, just someone who hasn't met her match yet and that people have been known to fall for someone else even if they're already involved but I believe and have also scientifically proven that this will never happen as long as I'm the idiot involved in the situation. I neither have the fortitude nor the skills to change people's minds. This isn't me not having enough confidence in myself. That's just been how it has been for the as long as I can remember and I'm fine with it. Or at least I think I am... (hmm...) All I know is flirting with "them" has made me feel very very very inspired to do the things that I have to do these past few months. What can be wrong with that?

posted by jeanne @ 08:07

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