Last week I thought of giving up smoking. Not because of my health, but because I wanted to have a valid reason
for feeling like shit.
I was succesful...
in finding a valid reason.
I realized that I am
not meant to succeed
at anything.
Excuse me while I light another cigarette...
And yes... I am the freak in the picture.
27.11.05
"At Least You Tried"
Right now, I'm sitting here because I need to stay up until 10 am because if I don't I wouldn't be able to wake up and get to podium by noon because I need to meet my friend because we need to look for a job... again.
For some reason I can't seem to find the words to write about what's been going on so let me just share with you a semi-edited version of a message that I sent my very brilliant and very level-headed friend Jen about a month ago in an attempt to fight the urge to pull out all my hair:
Everything that I texted you before has happened. Yes... even the "pag-iyak ko ng bato" part.
You see... I sort of love (yucch, blecch, ewww) her already and I am now in the process of explaining(sometimes it feels a lot like defending) my thing about not doing anything about it with my very good friends/diskarte coaches. 'Coz apparently, they are of the "AT LEAST YOU TRIED" school of thought on love. As in "so what if you don't think you stand a chance… at least you tried”.
One went all "poetic" on me and said "Jeanne, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take". My problem is that it is also very possible (especially if you’re me) to MISS ALL OF THE SHOTS YOU TAKE so I asked them what difference it makes if I do something about it?... and they said (all together now)… "At least you tried".
Here's my take on this -- though I don't exactly know why I'm telling you this as if you don't have anything better to do than read about my stupid dilemmas:
When it comes to $@&#, if the answer isn't yes... then I don't wanna hear it. The mere thought of her telling me "hindi talaga pwede" is something I don’t think I’ll be able to bear. I feel that it will destroy my faith in all of mankind. That… or I may disintegrate into dust.
I'd also hate to point out that if you really think about it, this statement does not mathematically make sense. It's possible to make or miss 100% of shots that you do take but you can't get a percentage if you didn't even try to take any shots at all since any number divided by zero becomes undefined, right? So that's exactly what I'm thinking. I'd rather leave it as being "undefined" than be sure that I don't amount to anything.
I just think that I'd rather spend the rest of my life being able to hold on to a microscopic amount of hope that maybe if I actually did something; that it would've made a difference because if I can't have that... Then I have nothing...
Do you get what I'm saying?
Anyway I think I have already reached the maximum amount of drama that you can tolerate from one person so I'm going to leave it at that and if you have gotten this far... I thank you for reading this silly message...
Jeanne
A few weeks after this message was sent I got drunk with some friends from school and ended up telling her anyway. And I haven't changed this blog's name to “Happy, Ecstatic, and Luckiest Person in the World Jeanne" so I suppose ya’ll know what the answer was... Good thing is that I am posting this blog entry right now... which means that I did not disintegrate into dust.
Talk 'bout your dark clouds and silver linings... hehe.