Last week I thought of giving up smoking. Not because of my health, but because I wanted to have a valid reason
for feeling like shit.
I was succesful...
in finding a valid reason.
I realized that I am
not meant to succeed
at anything.
Excuse me while I light another cigarette...
And yes... I am the freak in the picture.
25.12.05
Merry Christmas?
In less than 30 minutes it'll be Christmas.
They say that suicide rates become higher during the holidays. Apparently, all the "peace on earth and good will to all of mankind" mentality that people magically develop during this time of the year accentuates certain people's dissatisfaction and frustration with their own lives. Add to that the pressure of being one of the very few who can't seem to get with the program.
If I had any suicidal tendencies at all, I would've been in huge trouble this year. These last few months I have graduated from being slightly autistic to being slightly manic-depressive. One minute I'd be bouncing off walls happy to be alive in such a beautiful world and the next minute I'll be saying stuff like "I think my spirit is tired". Too bad my psychological instability can't progress all the way so that I can just collapse into a catatonic stump in the corner of a padded room and not worry about anything anymore.
The problem is I was given the gift of being able to correctly identify the causes of my problems and by thinking about them I am made aware that I may be going crazy and because of that I know that I'm not really, really crazy because they say that crazy people can't know that they are going crazy. So I'm not crazy, just disturbed. hehe.
So you might be thinking that: if I know the source of all my troubles then why don't I do something about it?
Here's the thing: I was given the ability to identify the causes, but I just was not given the tools to properly solve them. The story of my life... always being half-way there.
Anyway, what was I talking about? O yeah... Christmas. Ey, look... it says 12:00 AM on my pc. Yipee :p
Personally, my favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. It's not about giving or spreading cheer. It's about being thankful for what you do have. So I thought I should make a list of things that I'm thankful for because as unhappy as I seem to be about everything these days; I know that... things could be much, much worse. hehe.
-- that I was given a life wherein I have the luxury to suffer from existential angst. Because right now, at this very moment, my only responsibility is to make something of myself. I don't have kids and my family does not desperately need me to lift them out of poverty or anything like that. We're not filthy rich, but I'm sure we have enough.
-- for the kind of education that I've had the opportunity to receive. Though I don't have a degree, I think my parents have pretty much fulfilled their responsibility in preparing me for the real world.
-- that I have the ability to learn from my mistakes.
-- that I have the courage to ignore things that I've learned so that I can do things that I feel are worth doing.
-- that I know that "sometimes you love, you learn and then you let go... and that's okay." and that I did not have to spend a lot of money in therapy to find this out.
-- that I don't have a lot of money because if I did I would've been tempted to take cabs to go places. Therefore, having money has just saved me from the stress of having to stop myself from pulling cabbies' spleens out through their right nostrils (this is what I consider a "nasal show"... mwehehe) whenever they refuse to take me to where I’m going because it's too far, too near or there's too much traffic.
Merry Christmas Everybody