14.2.06

Back From Batanes

I'm back from Batanes. Dude, if your flight was delayed, I had to take a non-air conditioned, suspension-busted-from-lack-of-maintenance bus to get back here. Oh and I even had to sit at the back of that stupid bus cause I arrived late because I was trying so hard not to leave Batanes. Translation: my trip was mainit, matagtag, at nakakasuka (hot, bumpy, and puke-inducing).

For the past few weeks I've been having a theme thing goin’ here. As a grand finale I'm gonna write about the things I said that I couldn't write about before.

The story itself doesn't matter. It's the same thing that seems to happen to me time and time again. What's interesting is how I'm reacting to the fact that I am, most definitely, back in Manila. Three years ago, when I was in sort of the same situation, I locked myself up in my room, picked up a guitar and tried desperately to play that song "So Much In Love" by Sheena Easton but failed to finish the damn song even once because I kept on bursting into tears whenever it was time to sing the chorus. It would always go like this: I'd be singing "... I know that it's too late for me... the o... (Silence and then...) waaaah...huhuhu... So pathetic, I know but that was what kept on happening. But now, I don't even feel sad. To be perfectly honest, when I found out about and accepted it, what I felt was relief. All that went through my mind was "Great! Looks like she's gonna be with someone soon and he seems like a nice enough guy... w/c means... I can give up now." I think I even smiled.

I guess I just feel that sadness just isn't a proportionate reaction to what happened and crying while singing would just be overly dramatic. Come to think of it I can't really say "the only love I've ever wanted" because I know, for a fact, that this was NOT "THE ONLY" love I ever wanted because there was one (or two… hehe) before it. And even if I wanted to sing about this, I wouldn't be able to because nobody writes songs about situations as non-remarkable as this. This isn’t to say that it was totally meaningless, I mean, she did almost make me get off my ass and try to take some form of action but I just don’t think my continued presence in that life is at all necessary. In the greater scheme of things, the difference that I made was but a mere blip.

I just hope that all this failure isn't getting to me. I've noticed that it has become easier for me to get over people. It took me 4 years the first time, 2 for the second time and now I'm down to 1. Not 1 year but 1 week and I don't want to be like that. But then again maybe the entire thing was indeed just an overreaction on my part, though I'd rather look at this as me finally knowing when to quit, knowing to give up before something totally destroys me.

That being said, I still think and will forever say that I had a blast while I was in Batanes. I was never bored while I was there and I'm looking forward to going back there. I just hope next time I won't just be visiting. harhar.

posted by jeanne @ 17:47

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